The Suicide
by kate438
Summary: After a hellish day at the ER, things become unraveled and secrets are discovered. a Luka fic.
1. Chapter One

I watched as the line on the heart monitor of the little boy I was treating went flat. It stayed flat. I couldn't believe it. This was the third patient I had lost that day. I guess I let it get to me cause I couldn't help it, I turned, slapped the machine off and then swung around, sending my fist into the wall. I hated it when children died. This little boy had been in a car accident. The mother had fallen asleep at the wheel, sending their small sedan into oncoming traffic. It sucks, children suffer because their parents make stupid mistakes. The mother was going to be fine. All she had was a broken arm.   
"Luka, are you all right?" I was torn from my thoughts when I heard the voice of Mark Green.   
"Yeah, it just sometimes gets to me." I said, not wanting to further explain. Mark shrugged his shoulders.   
"You can't save them all." Ha. Yeah, right. That is easy for you to say. This isn't the third patient that you've lost today. There were many things I could have said but I would never say them. I've been told I don't say much. I like it that way. It seems when I open my mouth everything comes out wrong. I just gave Mark a small smile instead.   
" I know." I cast one last glance at the boy before I left the trauma room. 

I sighed as I walked into the lounge. I looked at the clock, hoping, praying, that maybe it would be almost time to get out of here. No such luck. I still had three hours left on my shift. When did time begin to pass so slowly? I remember when these shifts used to fly by. I opened my locker, rummaging through it to find my one life line. In moments I had found what I was looking for, my pocket knife. I closed my fingers around its smooth, cool metal. Looking around, to make sure no one saw , I slipped it into my coat pocket. I had to make this quick or I knew I would lose my chance. Someone would be coming around saying that there are patients that need to be seen. I made my way as quickly as possible to a vacant restroom stall. Once I had shut the door and locked it, I removed the knife from my pocket. I rolled my shirt sleeve up and put the blade to my skin. As I pulled, all I felt was the release it brought. It was hard to remember when this all started or even why it started. I think it was a few years ago. I don't know, the days are getting to be pretty hazy. I remember I was slicing something for dinner. I missed what I was slicing and cut my hand. It was the weirdest experience, I didn't even feel it. I just stood there, mesmerized by the red blood that was running down my hand and pooling on the counter. I was brought back to the present when I heard voices in the men's room. I made a few more cuts, since I had a feeling the next three hours were probably going to be crazy. I rolled my shirt sleeve back down and slipped the knife back into my pocket. I exited the stall and left without looking up. I failed to notice that Mark was staring at me the entire time I walked out of there.   
  



	2. Chapter Two

I walked towards the main nurses station, ready to grab a chart. I sighed as I saw that there were still many charts. It figures. The one day I really, really didn't want to deal with stuff was the day the ER was swamped. I grabbed a random chart and flipped it open. Nausea and mild stomach pains in curtain two. Well, this shouldn't be too bad. I began to make my way to curtain two when someone grabbed me by the shoulder. I was flailed around and in a moment I was facing Mark.   
"We have two gunshot wounds coming in, we need you out in the ambulance bay." I nodded and quickly put the chart back.   
"Any idea on the condition?" I asked Mark as we hurried outside. Chen and Carter were already out there. Mark shook his head. I heard the sirens in the distance and knew they would be here in a few minutes. I had never like treating gunshot wounds. They looked like a small black hole, like there was just emptiness inside but really there was a small piece of lead that will affect the persons life forever. I looked up as the ambulances stopped and the doors opened. Carter and Chen took the first patient, a woman, who looked as though she were in her thirties. The second ambulance opened it's doors and the medics took out the second victim. My heart sank. It was a little girl. Why, today of all days, were there so many children being hurt? Mark and I hurried towards the gurney as the medics filled us in on her condition.   
"Five-year-old girl, wounds in the lower abdomen and shoulder, BP is low and breathing sounds labored." Mark nodded as we wheeled the little girl into a trauma room. I began checking her vitals as she opened her eyes.   
"Sweetheart, can you tell me your name?" I asked her as I held a stethoscope to her chest and listened to her lungs.   
"Lily." She said in a small voice. "Where's my mommy?"   
"Doctors are taking care of her in another room. Can you tell me where it hurts?"   
Before I could get an answer she started going into shock. I looked up and I saw her face. I mean, I really saw it. She looked like Jasna. I froze, just seeing the familiar face brought memories flooding back. It felt like everything was in slow motion. I could hear vague voices but as I looked ahead I saw my shattered apartment in Croatia. I saw the bodies of my neighbors as I ran towards my family. I tried to shake my head to rid myself of the memory but it didn't work. I could hear Mark saying my name. I looked over and stared at him, unable to say anything.   
"Luka, we need to intubate her... Luka? Are you listening?"   
"Mark, I can't... I can't be here." I knew it was a horrible thing to do but I bolted. I couldn't look at that little girl. I couldn't get the memories out of my mind. I had tried very hard to forget everything but now it was all coming back and I hated it. I ran towards the lounge, needing to get out of the open. I sat down in one of the chairs, putting my head into my hands. I could feel the guilt coming back. Why did I make them stay? Why did I have to leave at that moment? I don't understand. I don't understand why I had to lose them. I reached up into my pocket and grabbed the pocket knife. I hurriedly rolled up my shirt sleeve and pressed the blade into my skin. I wanted to be numb. I wanted to never have to feel anything again. I watched the blood run down my arm and onto the pale yellow floor. I didn't care. I watched as the blood flowed over old scars, the deep red a drastic contrast against the pinkish white. God, what I wouldn't give to be numb. I took the knife and made more cuts, watching as the blood flow increased. I could feel the coolness of it on my arm, dripping back and soaking my light blue shirt. I never noticed that Mark had walked in a was standing there silent.   
  



	3. Chapter Three

I jumped as I heard Mark take a step. I spun around and watched his face go from surprised to shocked. I was still holding the knife in my hand but now it was covered in blood. I could feel my heart jump into my throat. I was caught. Mark started to say something but then stopped. He tried again but then closed his mouth.   
"Mark, it's not what it looks like." I lied. I wanted more than anything to run. To run away from everything and never come back. I knew I couldn't. This was the end of the line. My secret was finally out in the open. I never thought it would be like this. I guess I just got careless. I just sat there as Mark stood there. I could tell he was uncomfortable, but who wouldn't be? I wonder how much he had seen. Did he see the act itself or maybe he had walked in after. I hoped it was the latter of the two. Finally Mark spoke.   
"How long?" He simply asked. I let my shoulders sag, I knew I was defeated. He had seen the whole thing. I let my eyes fall to the floor.   
" A few years." I said, almost silent. I heard Mark sigh. I hung my head, I knew this had to be disappointing. I heard Mark start to walk towards me. I looked up as he sat down next to me.   
"Have you thought about getting help?" I shook my head. Therapy never worked. I had tried it before and I never wanted to go back. "We could set up an appointment with a psychiatrist. " Again I shook my head.   
"Mark, I know you mean well but it just doesn't work." I watched Mark shift in his chair.   
" I know this isn't want you want to hear but you can't just ignore this. It's won't go away." I knew deep down inside he was right. I cast a glance at my arm, the bleeding had begun to cease. I didn't want to give it up. It was so easy to just take a knife or something sharp and cut away the pain. Cut away guilt and hurt. It was better than crying. I think I have forgotten how to cry. I rolled my sleeve down, covering the evidence, like I always do. Except this time, someone knew what was hidden beneath the sleeve. I got up and started to head for the door. Mark was up in a flash and blocked the door.   
"No. You're not leaving yet."   
"Mark, just let me go."   
"No." I needed to get out of here. I didn't want to spend another minute here.   
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Now let me go." I tried to open the door but Mark stood his ground.   
"Why? What do you need to do?" I knew where this was going and I didn't like it. "Are going to leave and cut? Well, guess what? You're not leaving. I'm not going to stand here and watch you slowly kill yourself." I was pacing now. I felt so trapped, trapped and ashamed. If only I had been more careful. " Luka, think about it. Today maybe it's cuts but what if one day it isn't?" Shut up, Mark. Shut up. I don't want to hear this. "What if one day it goes to far. I don't want you to end up dead." I turned on heel to face him.   
"Why? I should have been dead a long time ago. Do you know what it's like to watch your family die? To hold one of your children in your arms and not be able to do a damn thing to save her?" Mark stood there silent for a moment. I couldn't believe what I had just said. Mark's face softened a little as he began to speak.   
"Is that why? I had no idea. I'm sorry about your family but it's still not okay for you to do this to yourself. Please, I'm asking you, get help." I laughed.   
"No. I am leaving now, so please move." Mark moved aside and I reached for the doorknob. As I started to open the door, Mark started to say something.   
"If you leave, I'm calling security." I stopped.   
"On what grounds?" I knew fully well, on what grounds.   
"Harm to self." I slammed the door shut. " I know you don't want help. You think you can deal with this on your own but it just doesn't happen." I sat down. A minute later, Kerry burst into the lounge.   
"Mark, we need you in trauma one." Mark turned to face her.   
"Can you get someone else? I'm busy." Kerry gave him a look.   
"No, I need you now." With those words she left. Mark turned to face me.   
"I'll be back in a little while. Stay here." I waited a few minutes after Mark left before getting up. I was leaving. I opened the lounge door and walked out. I kept my head down as I passed my fellow colleagues. This was going to end today. Today all the pain, all the guilt, was going to end.   



	4. Chapter Four

I never really meant to be like this. I used to be so happy. What the hell happened? How did it get to this? I looked down at the razor in my hand. It shined in the fluorescent light, it held so much power. I fingered it's sharp edge before pulling it across my skin. I watched as all the annoyances, sorrows and frustrations poured out from my beneath my skin. I watched silently as each drop of the crimson liquid hit the bathroom tiles with the dullest *drip*. As the bleeding started to subside, I looked into he mirror and what looked back wasn't pretty. Eyes once vibrant and so full of life stared back as a dull vacant brown. I realized it then,I no longer wanted to live. What was it Mark had said to me?..   
"Luka, I'm not going to stand here and watch you slowly kill yourself. I don't want you to end up dead."   
I looked down at the bloodied razor and it came to me.   
I could end it all, I could end all the loneliness and pain. I held the power in my hands. Adrenaline surging through my body, I brought the razor to my wrist and cut. *SLASH* I quickly cut my other wrist in the excitement of the moment.   
I looked at my open wrists as the pain began to fade. I could see my life before my eyes.   
*FLASH* My wife and I in Croatia *FLASH* the first time I held my children *FLASH* The day I stepped foot into County General * FLASH* As the blood collected in red pools around my arms, I began to get dizzy and my breaths became short and labored. . The last thing I heard before I fell unconscious was the radio.. ironically, it was playing "Wait And Bleed"......ironic 

_i felt the air rise up in me_   
_kneel down and clear the stone and leaves_   
_i wonder round where you can't see_   
_inside my shell I wait and bleed_   
  



	5. Chapter Five

I felt like I was flying. I felt incredible. What happened? I realized that I was looking at myself. I was in the bathroom of my apartment. I was slumped against a wall, lying in blood. My own blood. Oh. My. God. I did it. I really did it. I committed suicide. I watched the scene as I saw paramedics rush into the bathroom, along with Mark. The scene disappeared. There were white lights in front of me and then they faded. I was standing in front of my family. I blinked. It had to be a dream. In front of me was my wife and two children.   
"Am I dreaming?" I said to myself.   
"Luka" I heard my wife speak. I could feel the tears spring into my eyes. It had been so long since I had heard her voice.   
"Am I dead?" I asked her. She shook her head.   
"No, it's sort of like in-between. You'll live. It's not your time to die yet. You still have many wonderful things ahead of you." I walked towards my family, slowly, I was afraid they would disappear. I reached up and brushed my hand against my wife's cheek. The tears were running down my cheeks now.   
"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you." My wife took my hand in hers.   
"It's not your fault."   
"It is, you wanted to leave, you knew it was dangerous but I was so stubborn."   
"You couldn't have known. It was just our time." I nodded my head. "You have to go soon." I wrapped my arms around her and whispered that I loved her. I turned to my children and embraced them. I wished so much that I didn't have to go. Everything was starting to get hazy and I knew in a few moments I would return to God knows what on earth. They started to fade and then everything went black. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

"Luka? Luka? Can you open your eyes?" Damn. There was pain, a hell of a lot of pain. I slowly opened my eyes. They felt like they were made of brick. Suddenly I was staring up at the faces of Mark and Kerry.   
"Oh thank you God." I heard Kerry say. I looked over at Mark. I could see he was trying to hold back tears. All at once everything caught up to me. I couldn't hold back things any longer.   
"I'm sorry...God, I'm so sorry." I finally let the tears fall. It had been so long since I had cried, since I had shown any emotion. I had cut everything away. I made a decision then. I wanted to live. Today was the day I was going to start living again.   



End file.
